Sirius Black and the Seven Gryffindors
by Kitz the Kitsune
Summary: AU, Sirius tells Harry a tale of heroism and friendship, much to Snape's dismay. Crack!fic.


"...And the wards should be renewed within the hour, Sirius," Dumbledore nodded at the wizard and his young charge.

"Ok, we can amuse ourselves for an hour - can't we, Harry?" Sirius smiled at the wiggling three year old in his grasp.

"Yes!" Harry smiled back before continuing to wiggle. "Pads! Can we see Severus?" The boy turned pleading green eyes up at his guardian. "Please please please _please_!"

Sirius let out a long suffering sigh. "If we must, dear Harry," he carried on dramatically, winking at the messy haired tot.

"YAY!" And Harry and Sirius waved goodbye to the headmaster and trampled out into the halls, heading down to the dungeons.

"To what do I owe this... _visit_," Severus Snape drawled as he opened the door to his classroom to greet the Gryffindor and his ward. "Hello Harry. **Black**."

"'Lo Severus!" the boy chirped happily, ignoring the dour mood of the Potions Master. "We came to see you 'cause our house is being rewarded because it is a good house and should have nice things." Harry filled him in as he drug Sirius past the sneering Professor and towards the fire place.

"What?" A brow quirked as Sirius smothered a laugh.

"The house is being re-_warded_ because they need to be taken down and replaced every six months or so and while Remus and McGonagall are working on it they sent us to Hogwarts." Sirius explained properly to the not-enemy Snape. "Harry insisted on visiting you. Merlin knows why."

"Because the boy has taste, **Black**."

"Why do you say Pads name like that?" Harry voiced his inquiry while playing with the grooves on the small sofa in Snape's office.

"Like what, pup?" Sirius sank into the sofa next to him, ignoring the glare and mutterings about how a certain Slytherin was going to have to get all his furniture steamed and checked for fleas now.

"Like how Mr. Smithers talks about the fox that got in his hen house," Harry faced both men, mirroring Snape's sneer - "**Black.**"

Sirius head threw back in silent laughter, covering his face with the sofa pillow while Snape had the grace to look mildly embarrassed but mostly annoyed. Turning with a flourish, he sat down at his desk. "I have papers to grade."

"Well, my curious pup," Sirius started, recovering from the sudden bout of hilarity, "Severus here was immensely jealous of my potions skill in school and declared himself my sworn adversary for all time!"

Snape snorted disbelievingly and continued grading.

"For all time?" Harry gasped.

"For all time!" Sirius reiterated, hopping from the couch with a flourish. "It is quite the tale, how I escaped his harrowing clutches 3rd year."

"Tell me!" Harry squealed, bouncing a little. The Slytherin rolled his eyes at the pair.

"Oh I couldn't, Harry! It is a tale much too evil! Thine young ears could not handle it!" Sirius cried, pretending to faint from the mere thought of it.

"Tell me, please!" Harry bounced on the couch, but quickly settling at a side glance from Snape.

"Ah and we begin the grand story of Sirius Black and the Seven Gryffindors!"

Snape asked God for strength and Merlin for mercy.

"Once not that long ago, a certain Severus Snape stood in his room the night before 3rd year classes started. He looked into his magical cauldron and asked of it –

_'Cauldron, Cauldron on the floor  
>who be the best potions student forever more?'<em>

and always the cauldron had responded,

_'Oh, it be you most clever Severus!  
>You are potions student... best ever-us!'<em>

"Best ever-us? Really, Black? Really?"

"Your name isn't exactly rhymeable _Severus_."

"STORY!" Harry cut in.

"Right! But tonight the magical cauldron had quite a different answer when asked its usual question -

_'Oh Severus, for potions you have quite the... knack  
>but the best is that handsome bloke, Sirius Black!"<em>

"Handsome bloke?" Snape sneered.

"Cauldrons have excellent tastes," Sirius stuck his tongue out at his former classmate.

"And Severus stared for a moment at his magical cauldron but dismissed the rhyme as a fluke. Preparing for class the next day, he set his alarm early for Double Potions first thing. But in class that next morn, he was surprised by the magnificent, effortless way Sirius Black composed himself around his potion making" - a disbelieving snort was heard - "as was Professor Slughorn who highly encouraged Black for his skill. '15 points to Gryffindor!' he cried in praise. Severus stewed angrily in the corner and called for eternal revenge upon the magnificent Sirius Black!"

"That's hardly how this went Black! You-!"

"THIS IS A FAIRYTALE SEV-ER-US."

"What did he do?" Harry cried, hoping the tale wouldn't be derailed once more.

"Well, Harry, Severus stormed back to his room that night and called upon his magical cauldron –

_'Cauldron, Cauldron on the floor_  
><em>who be the best potions student forever more?'<em>

and again the cauldron responded,

_'Oh Severus, for potions you have quite the... knack  
>but the best is that handsome bloke, Sirius Black!"<em>

Frustrated, Severus pleaded,

_'Cauldron, cauldron on the floor!  
>How can I make Black... a thing of yore?'"<em>

"You must work on your meter, Black."

"Thanks for the constructive criticism, Severus."

"What's yore?" Harry scrunched his nose in confusion.

"Yore is a time long ago, Harry." Severus informed.

"Oh."

"And the cauldron responded," Sirius fell back into the story,

_" 'Oh Severus, for potions you have quite the knack,_  
><em>but the best is that handsome bloke, Sirius Black!<br>But to the best magic you can't lack,  
>it'd be mighty terrible if his wand suddenly - snapped!"<em>

"Better, Black."

"Severus drew back from his cauldron with a cackle. 'Of course!' he cried, 'I'll snap his wand and of magic - shed! Then I'll leave his body there - dead!' With glee, Severus embarked on the mission to find the most clever of Snakes to complete his task. But who of all did he choose? The most devious of all, Lucius Malfoy!"

"It hardly works like this."

"Shh! The blonde wizard came to Severus and said

_'I've heard you have need for the most cleverest of snakes  
>surely you should choose me Severus Snape<br>for I am the most devious to employ  
>as my father before me and as all Malfoys!'"<em>

"That was passable, Black."

"And Severus told his tale of vengeance eternal and Malfoy stepped up to task. 'What must we do to bid Black adieu?' and Severus cackled once more 'His wand must be snapped and of magic - shed! Then leave his body on floor - dead!' And Malfoy agreed to the dirty deed."

"You're starting to rhyme unnecessarily."

"The next day Sirius Black was taking a brilliant afternoon nap in History of Magic when he felt someone trying to grab his wand. Looking up he found the most fear-some Malfoy and his minions and Sirius - defenseless and on his own - fled from the classroom and into the halls of Hogwarts!"

"You actually ran from a fight, Black? That requires sense."

"Of which I have lots Severus!"

"A lot," Harry corrected.

"Of which I have a lot Severus!"

"Continue your story," Severus waved him off.

"Where did he go?" Harry cried, breathless with excitement.

"Well, Sirius Black ran through the halls - fearing for his magic - but finally grew weary along a hallway stooping by a portrait of a magnificenly rotund woman. 'What's the password, deary?' She asked of poor Sirius –"

"Poor Sirius?"

" - and he responded 'Chocolate frogs and Big Black Dogs!' and the portrait swung open to reveal a sanctuary of red and gold! As he stepped in he called on the protections of his house,

_'Is it among lions I can rest my head?_  
><em>Or even here will I end up on the floor - dead!'<em>

And the lion closest to him said,

_'Welcome brother lion to our den!  
>We seven will protect you until the bitter end!'<em>

And then there was James and Remus and Alice and Lily and Frank and Gideon and Fabian to protect young Sirius from his adversaries.

'And here can I find some rest? Among those whose honour I can attest?' Sirius breathed with relief.

"This is getting incredibly cheesy." The Potions Master drawled.

" 'Indeed my friend!' Remus, of the incredibly good looking, called, taking his hand. 'A bed we can certainly lend!'"

"When are we getting to the wand snapping?"

"I didn't know you were listening, Severus." Sirius teased.

"When _are_ we getting to the wand snapping?" Harry piped up.

"All in good time, my young charge!" Sirius laughed. "And all the other Gryffindors rejoiced except for this feisty Ginger one who cried, 'Why are you all speaking in rhyme? Sirius you live here. You know where your bed is.' But the others payed her no heed and opened their house to the traveler.

"Outside the Gryffindor tower, Malfoy lurked -"

"Malfoys do not lurk, you would do well to remember that Black." a voice called out from the fireplace. Sirius jumped nearly a foot in the air before turning to look at Lucius Malfoy himself floating in the flames. Severus hid a snicker with a well disguised cough.

Shielding Harry from view, Severus assured the senior Malfoy that he would call back within the hour. Harry was rapidly approaching bursting from sheer anticipation when Sirius started again - "Outside the Gryffindor tower, Malfoy _lurked_ and was steadily making his approach when around the corner came -"

"**WHO?**" The boy jumped from his seat, desperate to know.

" - none other than Sirius Black's older cousin Narcissa Black - then fiancé of Malfoy. She called to her fellow Slytherin,

_'My dearest heart, do I hear tale  
>of how Sirius Black's wand will snap without fail?'<em>

_'Of course darling, this is all true  
>Soon Sirius Black this day will rue<br>In this tower I will surely tread  
>and he will be found later on floor - dead!<em>_'_

Malfoy intoned with clear delight."

"Not bad, Black."

"_'Usually I would grant your heart's delight'_

Cissa spoke to the slimy blond git,

_'but we have stumbled upon quite the plight!  
>See it is <em>_**I**__ who have called for Sirius Black's head  
>and it is <em>_**I**__ who will see his wand snapped and him dead'_

'Oh,' Malfoy crooned, making a decision.

_'Well I will bend to your demand  
>Sirius Black will fall only by your hand!<br>But love, what shame will I bring upon the Snake's Den  
>if I return with no wand to snap like a quill pen?'<em>

'Do you not have wands at your disposal?' Her eyebrows quirked at his strange proposal.

'Ah of course, sweet dove! Minion - your wand to my glove!' and with Goyle's wand in Malfoy's hand they all traipsed back to the Slytherin common room to give Severus not-Sirius's wand."

"Minion, really? Does the child even know what a minion is?"

"Yes!" Harry preened, happy to drop some knowledge. "A minion is a person who has to do what you say without asking questions like 'but whyyyy?' and 'do I have to do it right now?' and they always give you their dessert."

Snape's brow rose, "That's incredibly accurate."

"Back in the common room!" Sirius cut in, undeterred. "Snape quickly snapped the wand and cried in delight! Finally, he was the best potions student of them all!"

"Rightfully so," Severus cut in.

"But the next morn, he once again with greeted with a prideful '15 points to Gryffindor!' as Sirius masterfully concocted his brew. And in the back, Severus quietly stewed. 'Revenge will be mine!' he thought viciously. 'It's only a matter of time.'"

"DUN DUN DUN!" Harry added.

"Brilliant use of atmosphere there pup!" Sirius ruffled the boy's hair. "That night Severus returned to his magical cauldron and said –

_'Cauldron, cauldron on the floor!_  
><em>How can I be rid of black forevermore?'<em>

and the cauldron replied,

_'Sirius Black is quite the potioneer  
>but there is one thing all men do fear!<br>To be done with him and that's that -  
>YOU MUST POISON SIRIUS BLACK!'"<em>

"OH NO!" Harry gasped.

"Oh yes," The Potions Master grinned, finally approving of the turn in the story.

"Oh no, indeed!" Sirius forged on. "And unfortunately for our hero, Snape hatched a ridiculously evil plot. He dipped a brush's bristles in the Draught of Living Death -"

"That can only be absorbed by mouth, Black. I am honestly supposed to be envious of your potion skill?"

" - and the next day," The comment was steadfastly ignored. "Sirius found himself on the end of a static shock hex and was desperately searching for a brush. For the vice of our devastatingly handsome hero is that he always wanted to look his best!

" 'Here, Black.' Severus offered the brush to our naive, trusting Gryffindor who took it gratefully.

'Gee thanks, Severus! You're the best ever-us!' He smiled genuinely at his then unknown adversary - "

"REALLY, BLACK?"

Sirius snickered, "And the little lion brushed through his envy inducing Raven locks while making his way to Charms. Meeting the mysterious and adorable Remus on the way there - "

"These descriptions, can we not?"

"He turned to greet his extremely attractive friend but suddenly found himself on the floor -"

"DEAD?" Harry gasped.

"Not dead, just very asleep with little chances of waking up." Sirius paused for a second. "Almost dead."

"And everyone rejoiced and lived happier lives. The End."

"The End?" cried the green eyed lad in despair.

"Certainly not!" Sirius assured the tot. "The winsome werewolf swept his friend off the floor and valiantly made his way to the Hospital Wing. There the Seven Gryffindors gathered at a lost of what to do about their fallen housemate."

The Slytherin made to open his mouth for something snarky to slip out but was beaten to the punch, "Were they sad?" Harry's lip wobbled.

"They were very sad, even the feisty Ginger one. She noticed the faint sheen on young Sirius's hair and, knowing the boy would have wanted clean hair on his death bed, cast _Scorigify_!

'Look!' The resplendent vision that is Remus Lupin cried -"

"I could really do without the adjectives."

" 'He's waking up!' Just as Frank whispered to Gideon 'You owe me a knut!'- "

"I don't think Frank ever got that knut." mused known resplendent vision, Remus Lupin, from the doorway. "Evenin' Severus," He greeted as he slipped into the seat next to Harry.

"He lives!" Harry crowed in victory.

"He lives," Severus echoed, much less pleased.

" 'Oh, Moony!' Sirius Black cried, returned from eternal unconsciousness. 'Your true love's kiss must have saved me!' -"

"Noooooo Pads! That's a different story." Harry sighed exaggeratingly as Remus grinned and Severus sneered, disgusted.

"Ah you are quite right pup! My apologies, now where were we?" Sirius's eyes twinkled in delight. "Ah yes! Severus, assured in his victory, slept well that night and was once again thwarted the next morn when Sirius returned to earn Gryffindor another 15 points for sheer dazzling skill and handsomeness."

"They award points for handsomeness?" Harry tilted his head.

"No." Snape replied dryly.

"Furious, Snape storms over to his magical cauldron that night and demands of it -

_'Cauldron, cauldron on the floor!  
>How can I be rid of Black forevermore?'<em>

and the cauldron replied,

_'Sirius Black is quite the potioneer  
>but there is one thing all men do fear!<br>To be done with him and that's that -  
>YOU MUST POISON SIRIUS BLACK!'<em>

'I have done that and my plan failed!' Severus spat.

'Perhaps only death will prevail,' replied the magical cauldron, ominously.

_'Oh then I have quite the plan  
>to finally be rid of this blasted man!<br>I plant this apple for snack  
>but it is actually an attack!<br>One taste is all I have to persuade  
>and then Lupin is a widower made!'<em>

Severus gleefully chanted as he dipped a shiny red apple into a boiling cauldron, cackling as it decayed into a shriveled black sphere before returning to its delectable apple-y state."

"Apple-y?" Remus cut in.

"Apple-y." Harry and Sirius confirmed.

"The next day, Severus put his plan into effect. Knowing Black had missed lunch to serve detention, he sauntered over to the unknowing Gryffindor and offered him the treat.

" 'An apple, Black, since you missed lunch?' _Into your death you will crunch!_ the Slytherin madly cackled into his own mind."

"I hardly cackle to myself."

"CREATIVE LICENSE SEVERUS."

"I certainly see you have taken to that." The Potions Master drawled.

"As I was saying," Sirius managed to look suitably offended. "Our hero gratefully took the apple from the Slytherin, optimistic about the sudden change of heart and looking forward to a long entwined friendship with the Sl-"

"NOW YOU ARE JUST LYING."

"HOW DO YOU KNOW SEVERUS?"

"I know you're lying." remarked the forgotten Remus. "The story, Sirius."

"And the idiot Gryffindor bit into the apple, falling dead on the spot." Severus supplied.

"OH NO!" Harry cried, once more.

" _'Oh no!'_ is what the ravishing and engaging Remus cried stumbling upon his fellow Marauder. 'Padfoot, don't be dead!' He pleaded as he rushed away to the Hospital Wing. The Seven Gryffindors gathered around the lifeless Sirius Black, biting back tears.

'Why Sirius?' Remus cried, still radiant despite his grief - "

"BLACK, PLEASE? IS THE WEREWOLF HOLDING OUT ON YOU OR SOMETHING."

"HE IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT, SIMPLY BECAUSE YOU ARE INCAPABLE OF LOVE - "

"**STORY!**" Harry stomped, needing to know the end of the tale.

"Right, now where was I...?" Sirius pondered.

"I was being radiant despite my grief," Remus snickered.

"RIGHT! The winsome werewolf mourned Black as did their faithful friend James. Peeking over to see if the immortally statuesque figure of Black was truly dead, Alice tripped over the agonizing pair to land directly on Black's midsection. A sudden rush of air from his diaphragm blew the poisoned apple bit from Black's throat and slowly he awoke."

"Really?"

"Really, Severus."

"YAY!" Harry cheered. "Pads lives!"

"And they rejoiced as well!" Sirius danced. "The marvelously brilliant Remus figured out that Severus tried to kill me repeatedly and took up the position as my personal protector and guard and we fell in love and lived happily ever after!" Remus and Harry whooped with joy while Snape looked like he was going to revisit his dinner.

"House is re-warded!" Remus informed cheerily.

"I'm glad the house is getting presents." Harry murmured sleepily into Remus's embrace. It was pass bed time for little boys.

Nodding to Snape, Remus carried Harry out so they could floo back home. "See you in six months, Snapey!" Sirius called from over his shoulder.

"No need to make it so soon," Severus sighed as he looked into the stack of ungraded papers. He'd do this in the morning, it was time for bed."

~the end~


End file.
